Mothers Day Roast!

There’s a lot I could say about my mom. She’s a hard working single parent who I cherish. Staying true to our comedic banter this will be a loving roast. We have a read between the lines relationship. People use to think we were a comedy duo when I was tiny. Both my friends, and hers, would belly laugh while we took shots at each other. That was until I took the jokes too far. It was like a teenage heckled Bill Hicks vs a 1950’s Jewish comedian with horrible timing. While in an upbeat mood her poor timing is actually what makes her so funny. She doesn’t understand humor, but she never misses a beat.

She’s not actually Jewish, she’s a Christian, but only when it’s convenient. I was initially raised Catholic until a boy got molested. Then my parents converted into Christianity. I guess that priest was Catholic when it was convenient as well.

One of my mom’s favorite things to do was look at Christmas lights. The Mormon Temple had gorgeous designs. We spent many Christmas nights over the years admiring them. A young man asked if we were familiar with their religion. I wasn’t, so I asked what it was about trying to be polite. After listening for what probably felt like ages. “Oh look, those are pretty.” Then we ran off. “Mormons will talk your ear off. Don’t take their pamphlets just say no thank you and keep walking.”
That’s how I felt about her religion. I quit going when I was 8, but for my mom Christianity was her answer for how everything worked. I remember as a kid asking why it rained. “God’s crying.” was her answer. Next I asked why there was thunder. “God’s bowling.” She said. Now that I think about it. I don’t think she understood Christianity. She just made it up as she went along. Like the fact she believes there is no hell. She’s not big on reading so she probably soaked in what the church told her as opposed to reading the actual text. If Christianity was a reality show she would be a devote christian. Religion is a big debate between the two of us. I think I was 24 when she admitted she needed it because she liked the idea of her residence having a nice place to go after they die. (She worked in a hospital, now a nursing home.) “We’ll see who’s right when we die. If I’m right, I’ll be looking down on you.” I was confused at first then I realized she was saying I’d be going to hell.” I laughed and said, “I’ll meet you there.”

Banter has always been a tradition between me and my mom. It’s never malicious. Sure we disagree on a lot of stuff but we always find the funny in every situation. My dad left when I was 10 so to mend the wound we would watch stand up comedy. I would have to drag her to certain comedians specials on HBO or Comedy Central. “Well, he’s a little too raunchy for my taste.” She does the same song and dance to this day. Then loves them!

“Mom you gotta check out this guy. He does this opening bit where he trashes the audience and then pulls them back in.” Being a bit of an actress. “Well I think I’ll have to pass. He doesn’t sound like he’s very funny. I prefer positive comedians like Bill Cosby.” I’ve given her so much shit for that one. It will never get old. “The church you believe in molests children, your positive comedian is a serial rapist, and Jared from Subway is a pedophile. Everything you believe is crumbling just admit you like Bill Burr.” Then she would whimper, “Stoooop it. Your bad.” To which I would add. “But I’m not a rapist nor a pedophile.” She would laugh shaking her head. Finally she would watch Bill Burr. She laughed until she cried. Normally if she thinks somethings funny, being a true Catholic she wouldn’t smile or laugh. She would hold it all in and just be amused. She even agreed about some of his controversial remarks about the church and gold digging whores.

Every single time she loves the movies and Stand up. “I must admit when Rambo was gunning down all those people with that big machine gun it was pretty exciting. Only because they were real jerks to the villagers. Yes, I enjoyed the movie very much.” THEN WHY DO YOU ARGUE EVERY TIME!!

In August this great woman will turn 60. We are going to California to celebrate with her sister. (Her sister is similar in a way because getting her to laugh at her self is like driving a clown car into a force field.) I’m excited because as much as my mom pretends to hate my dark and dry humor. She loves it. There is truly nothing more magical in this world then making her laugh, because there’s a sparkle in her eye. As a mother and an all around good person she is in a league of her own. Three jobs all involving helping the handicapped or elderly. She got an Autistic girl to speak and be some what social. Which is a big deal if you know about autism. Even when she was younger she worked with handicapped. She is to this day one of the most kindest human beings on the planet. Even though she has no idea what I’m aspiring to do with my life she still supports it. Unless of course her favorite reality show is on. Then the entire world can fuck off. Even if Christ himself came down he’d have to take a seat on the couch and pipe down.


Love ya mom!

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