I don’t know if my brain is normal, so I’ll speak for myself. My mind is always calculating the statistics of my mortality. I’m a hypochondriac and an over thinker. (Not bragging) When I was a teen I had someone pull a gun on me as a joke. This is danger. My brain was correct in thinking I could die. Most of the time my mind is conjuring up things for me to fear that have no place in my mind.
I’m driving and I’m about to merge on the freeway. All of a sudden my brain very rudely says to me. “That person in the other lane is going to merge while your merging and you’re going to get into a car accident. Their car cost more then your parents childhood home. Don’t you only have $45 in your bank account. Your utilities are due in a couple days.” Alright, shut up already! “Maybe you’ll die.” For real? “I’m just trying to keep you alert.”
It’s like my brain constantly wants me in a state of fight or flight. My anxiety leads to irrational behaviors. I might get all defensive over something stupid. So I have to trick my brain into thinking every things going to work out in the end. When that backfires like the muffler on a thirteen year old truck. I leave it to the universe, god, maybe that karma that’s supposedly coming back around because I held the door open for that guy straggling behind me last week.
That’s the thing about intrusive thoughts that cause you to have irrational fear. After it gets resolved you feel like an idiot because even if it doesn’t work out. It’s never as bad as I thought it was going to be. You ever see an independent horror movie. The trailer seems spooky enough. You think man that’s going to be a wild ride. It’s just a string of really sad events that lead to one murder. But the ending leads you to believe that it was all a dream. That’s not fair. I spent 2 hours psyching myself up for nothing. All that build up and there wasn’t a single consequence.
Sooner or later the next go around your hip to the game. “Nope, fool me once. Shame on you.” Not going to get me with the same old strategy. I’m going to have a stupendous day! What do you think about that, stupid brain. “Maybe your right. I’m not thinking logically. I won’t bother you anymore.”
Then I have stupendous day. How about that? But as I’m driving along my car starts making a noise I’m unfamiliar with. My brain starts to go, “I think…” What did we talk about? “I’m not going to be paranoid and lead you to false conclusions.” Exactly. “The cars rattling.” Everything is fine! “The car shut off.” Fuck you.